Friday, June 29, 2012

To Feel or Not To Feel

So many thoughts, so little time to write. Or maybe, not the time but the urge to write about all of it. I will just start to write now what my new found friend is telling me right at this moment. I just hope it will help me also figure out what exactly is on my mind right now. I want to help her lessen the pain she's feeling. And I know after this, I will find the answers to some of my thoughts too.
After breaking up with her boyfriend, she started seeing me regularly. And she said to keep her from tears, she also started dating some guys. This keeps her busy for a few weeks now. She laughs a lot, but as her friend I can see sadness hiding through her eyes. I kept on thinking ever since we've met why she trusted me enough to confide in me when I am just a new person in her life. She said she feels that I know what she's feeling right now. But how? I asked her. She said she just knew from the first moment we set eyes on each other. 
Why? Somehow I feel what she's feeling right now. Only difference is that I've stopped feeling and stopped dating at all. I often feel such emptiness that I don't want anybody to be near me. I don't like this at all. You know, becoming the person that I am not. Some people who I thought used to care for me tell me to change myself from being a feel person to a thinking person. Unconsciously I did. And I am not proud at all. I am becoming the person they want me to be. This saddens me a lot because I love myself that way. 
I've realized one thing while my friend continuously laughs and talk about her date last few days ago. That loving and learning should always come hand in hand. No compromises, and certainly no regrets. And hopefully one of these days, I would care less to those people who want to change me for who I am. Thinking now like they want me to, they are not worth my time and certainly not my love.

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